


Hunting and Trying

by rachipoo



Series: What I Wouldn't Do [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel in Purgatory, Dean in Purgatory, Fluff, Hunters & Hunting, Reader-Insert, Self-Sacrifice, Supernatural AU - Freeform, hunting au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-16 11:05:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5826160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rachipoo/pseuds/rachipoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Cas have killed Dick Roman and are sent to Purgatory, leaving Sam and the reader behind to figure out what to do next.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is part one of what I think will be a two or three part series. I used the Dick Roman plot line to send Cas and Dean to Purgatory, but what happens afterward is a work of my imagination. I plan to use bits and pieces of what happened in the show and twist them to make it my own. Hope you enjoy :)

May 18, 2012

You open your eyes and scan the room. No Leviathans, no Dick Roman. There's black goo on the walls and some of the furniture. Almost immediately you realize Dean and Cas are nowhere in sight, but you see Sam in your peripheral vision.

"What the hell." Sam grunts, walking over and extending his arm to you.

You take his hand and pull yourself up off the floor. "Where's Dean?"

"I..don't know." Sam says as he looks around the room as well.

"Did...did we do it? Is Dick really dead?" You ask hopefully.

"Looks like it."

"We need to find Dean and Cas."

. . . . . . . 

May 25, 2012

You put your fake ID in the tin and then bury it in the shallow hole you dug, covering it back up with dirt. You stand and look in every direction of the crossroads, waiting for the demon.

"Y/N, in the flesh." A sultry female voice sounds from behind you.

You turn around to see a black-haired demon with red eyes, wearing a revealing dress.

"Can't say I'm surprised that you're here." She says as she saunters closer to you. "I heard about Dean. Such a shame that your boyfriend is-"

"You know why I'm here." You interrupt flatly. "Bring Dean and Cas back and my soul is yours."

"Eager, aren't we? Well, let me tell you, my boss will be thrilled if I could rope you into giving up your soul to us. You and those Winchester boys have always had high prices on your heads. It won't be easy, but I'll do it." She says, looking you over. "Listen, I'm sure you want your ten years, but you know I won't give you that long." 

"I know. How long will I get?"

"One month. No negotiations."

"Fine." You say immediately. You really thought you'd at least get a year, but so be it.

"Really, that's it? No fight, no tricks? I gotta say, I'm a little disappointed." The demon says with a wicked grin.

"Whatever. Let's make the deal." You grumble.

"Fine. But I'll have you know, I'm being very generous, bringing  _both_ of them back and still giving you a month instead of dragging your ass down with me right away." She quips, flashing her red eyes.

"Are we gonna talk or are we gonna make a deal? Bring. Them. Back." You growl.

The crossroads demon opens her mouth to speak when the roar of an engine approaches. You look to the left to see headlights coming on fast, sighing as you realize it's Sam. He slams the breaks and jumps out of the car, running toward you. 

"Hurry up, let's finish it." You urge the demon, hoping to seal the deal before Sam reaches you.

The demon's lips are inches from yours when she screams. Your eyes pop open to see her body crumpling to the ground, Sam standing behind her with the demon knife.

"Damn it, Sam! What the hell are you doing?" You yell.

"Y/N, what the hell are  _you_ doing?" He retorts. "I know this sucks but it isn't worth your life!"

You're mad already, and Sam saying that Dean isn't worth your life pushes you over the edge. You swing at him and feel your fist connect with his jaw firmly. Sam stumbles back a little but stands his ground. You feel some guilt at hitting your friend but you're too upset to let it get to you. You push his chest roughly.

"Get out of here Sam. I don't need you."

"Y/N, we promised them. We  _promised_ that we wouldn't look for them, that we wouldn't try to bring them back."

"No, Sam!  _You_ promised them, I didn't!"

"Do you really think they'd want you to do this? Did that even cross your mind? When and if they ever come back, do you think they'd feel good about you dying for them? I know what it's like to have someone give up their soul for you, and I don't  _ever_ want Dean or Cas to feel the way I did when my brother did it for me. Y/N, Dean loves you. He'd want you to live, to be happy!" Sam exclaims.

"So I'm supposed to just move on? Maybe you can do that, but I can't!"

"I know it won't be easy, but we can do it together."

"How can you be okay with not even  _trying_ to get them back? What kind of friend are you? What kind of  _brother_ are you?" You hiss.

Sam looks hurt, but his resolve doesn't crumble. "I'm not okay with it, but I have to be. Because I promised Dean. I promised my big brother that I would live my life and that I would do it for him."

You bite your tongue to keep from saying something more hurtful, turning on your heel and stomping in the direction of the Impala. Dean had left his car to Sam, but the younger Winchester let you drive it most of the time. You wait to hear Sam's footsteps behind you but it doesn't happen. You reach the car and plop into the front, laying your head on the steering wheel and letting a few tears fall. You slam your fist on the dash a few times before wiping your face and starting the car. You drive back to your motel with another vehicle following close to you the whole time. You suspect it's Sam, which is proven to be correct when he parks beside you and follows you to your room.

"Sam, please. I want to be alone." You say without looking at him.

"Okay. I'll just grab my stuff and get another room. I'll be around if you need me." Sam replies as he grabs his stuff off his bed and shuffles out of the room.

You take the alcohol you'd packed in your duffel to celebrate with the boys after killing Dick and open one of the bottles. You drink from the bottle, practically chugging the burning liquid. When you've finished that bottle you open the second one and down half of it. You stare at the wall for a long time before you become too dizzy and need to lay down. You flop back onto the bed and close your eyes to stop the room from spinning. You pull out your phone and dial Dean's number. It rings and then goes to voicemail, of course. You gasp as you hear his recorded voice, followed by the beep.

"Dean...you-you sonofabitch..you lefffft me. Why would you d-do that to me?" You wail drunkenly into the phone.

You hang up and throw the cellphone across the room before you pass out.

. . . .

**_"I dare you to drink this." Dean says, holding up a jar of blood._ **

**_"Gross. Hell no." You reply, pushing his shoulder._ **

**_Dean grins and puts the jar back on the dusty shelf. That's when you really realize you're falling for him. You stare at him for a while._ **

**_"Y/N, you okay?" He asks, green eyes looking you over._ **

**_You grab his jacket and pull him to you, planting a kiss on his lips. You feel tingles shooting up and down your body as Dean begins to return the kiss. You pull away slowly._ **

**_"Let's go kill this ghost." You say, patting his chest and walking out of the cellar of the abandoned house._ **

**_\--_ **

**_Later that night, back at the motel, Dean asks Sam to go get some ice. As soon as Sam closes the door behind him Dean approaches you and clears his throat awkwardly._ **

**_"Yes, Dean?" You ask innocently, holding back a stupid little grin._ **

**_"Um. You kissed me." He blurts._ **

**_"I did." You concur._ **

**_"Well..it was..I liked it. I mean- I like you." Dean stutters._ **

**_You meet his eyes and your smile breaks through. "I like you too, Dean."_ **

**_Dean gives you a little half-grin and that's how your relationship begins._ **

. . . . 

You sit up in bed and feel a wetness on your face. You realize you're crying. That was the first dream you've had since Dean disappeared. You lay back down and try to sleep, hoping your dream will continue.


	2. Chapter 2

You wake up with an aching head and an uneasy stomach. You pop some ibuprofen and drink a bottle of water. You shower and get dressed, not really knowing what to do next. You sit on the edge of the bed and it all comes rushing back. Dean and Cas are gone. You don't know where they are and you don't even know if they're really dead. Dick Roman did this. You feel heat rise in your chest as your fists clench up in anger. You don't know what comes over you but you're standing up and throwing things around. You slam your duffel bag onto the ground and then you throw an empty liquor bottle at the wall, watching the glass shatter and litter the stained carpet. 

"Screw you, Dick!" You screech as you punch a wall.

You're vaguely aware of the door opening and a voice shouting at you, though it's unclear because your ears are ringing loudly. Arms circle around you and you fight them, but they hold you firmly. You open your mouth to speak and taste salt. When had you started crying? The ringing in your ears stops and you hear Sam's voice.

"Shhh. It's okay." He soothes. 

You relax in his hold and cry against his arm for what feels like hours. Sam just hugs you tight and waits patiently. Finally, you sob around a few breaths and manage to stop crying. You wipe at your eyes, cursing yourself for being such a wreck. You move away from Sam and he lets you go to look at your face, but you can't meet his eyes.

"Oh god, I'm sorry about that." You say, wiping your nose on your sleeve and looking at the floor.

"Don't apologize. It's okay." Sam assures you gently.

You're not sure what to say, so you just start cleaning up the mess you made. You shove all your clothes back into your duffel bag and set it on the bed, then you walk over to the broken whiskey bottle and begin to pick up the pieces.

"Y/N just leave it." Sam says, grabbing your shoulders lightly.

"Someone has to clean it up." You say.

"Don't worry about it. We'll just pay the motel owner extra for the damages and the clean-up."

"This isn't a damage, it's just glass." You argue.

Sam directs your attention to one of the walls, where a hole about the size of your fist goes right through it.

"That's the damage." He says.

"Shit." Your shoulders sink. 

"It's fine. Just bring your stuff out to the car, I'll take care of everything."

"Sam, you really don't have to-"

"Just take your stuff out. I'll be there in a few minutes." Sam says calmly.

You take your bag outside and toss it into the Impala. You lean on the hood as you wait for Sam to come out. He walks out shortly and tells you everything is fine.

"What'd you do?" You ask. 

"I just left him some cash. Should be plenty more than enough to pay for the repairs and the cleaning."

"Sam, you don't have to do this. You earned that money, so go get it back and I'll pay for the mess. I made it."

"Oh, please, I earned that money hustling pool. It's no big deal." Sam waves his hand dismissively. 

"Fine. I'm buying your breakfast." You concede.

"Deal." Sam smiles.

You toss Sam the keys, telling him to drive this time. He looks grateful as he gets behind the wheel. He drives to a nearby diner and waits until you're seated and you've already ordered before he starts asking you questions.

"How are you feeling?" He asks sincerely.

"Hungover. Pissed." You say shortly.

"You can talk to me about it. I lost them too, y'know. They're my family too." He says, referring to Dean and Castiel, and hell, Bobby too. 

You take a few minutes to gather your thoughts and Sam waits.

"I'm just so  _angry._ Because of Dick Roman..Bobby is dead, Cas is dead, Dean is dead. He killed most of the only family I've ever really had. And I'm angry because you don't seem to care that he did this to us." You say the last bit quietly, but you know he heard you.

"I care. Believe me, I care a lot. But after all this time, after all Dean and I have been through..I feel like I owe him this. He wants us to move on, Y/N. That's all he wanted if he didn't make it back from that fight. And I know Cas would want that too, and Bobby."

"But you haven't even tried to get them back!"

"Because that's not what they wanted! You don't think I'd give anything to get my brother back? To get my best friend back? There's nothing I wouldn't do for that to happen, but I won't give up my life for it. I won't give up my life for it because I don't want them to come back only to feel the same pain I did when Dean died for me. Nobody should have to live with that." Sam explains frantically, willing you to understand.

But you don't understand. However, you know Sam won't stop trying to make you get it, so you lie.

"I get it, Sam, I do. I won't risk my life for it anymore, okay?" 

"I know that's a lie. I know you think I'm an asshole for not trying to save them, but I don't know how to convince you otherwise, so do what you have to do. Just please,  _please_ be careful and don't do anything too stupid. I know you want them back, but I don't want to lose you too." Sam finishes with a crack in his voice just as the food arrives.

You don't say anything in return, but your chest tightens when you see the pain in his eyes. Sam looks hurt and scared and you feel bad for being part of the reason he feels that way.

The two of you eat in silence and then you pay the bill and leave. Sam drives back to the motel and parks in front of your room.

"Dean would want you to have the Impala. You should take it. I'll take that car you've been driving around." You say, pointing at Sam's crappy little car. 

"Nah, you take it. You'll need the arsenal in the trunk more than I will. I think I'm gonna take a break from hunting for a while."

"Really?" You ask in shock.

"Yeah, really." He offers you a watery smile and then gets out of the car.

You get out as well and Sam comes around to wrap you up in a hug. You squeeze him tight. "I love you, Sammy. You know that, right?"

"I know. Me too." He says as he releases you. "Keep in touch, alright?"

You nod and then you each go your separate ways.


	3. Chapter 3

June 8, 2012

You slam the heels of your hands on the steering wheel in frustration. It's been weeks and you've tried every possible way to get Dean and Cas back, but nobody will help. Apparently that crossroads demon that Sam killed was the only one left with any balls. Everyone you'd asked said there was no way they were doing anything to help. Witches, psychics, demons, even Crowley. You went and talked to Missouri today, and while she said she couldn't help, she did tell you that Cas and Dean are somewhere you can't even imagine. You'd asked if they were really dead, and all she said was that they were long gone. Now you're here with no solutions and a buttload of questions. Maybe Dean and Cas are really gone, and maybe you can't bring them back. The thought deflates you even further and your head lulls onto the steering wheel as you squeeze your eyes closed. Dean and Cas are gone and you're alone. You haven't talked to Sam in a few weeks because you don't know what you'd say to him.

Just as you're getting ready to leave, your phone rings from your pocket. You pull it out and see that it's Sam, of course. Your mind hesitates but your finger slides over the screen to answer and your hand brings the phone up to your ear. 

"Sam, hey." You say quietly.

"Hey, good to hear your voice. Where are you?" He asks.

"Lawrence." 

"Working a case?"

"Something like that."

"Well, I'm actually just outside of Lawrence. Want to grab some lunch?" Sam asks.

You think about saying no but you decide against it. "Sure."

. . . 

You meet Sam in a tiny diner near the edge of town. He steps in for a hug and you cling to him like your life depends on it. You're mad, but you didn't realize how much you missed him until right now. Sam and the Impala are the most important pieces left over from Dean's life and you cherish them now more than ever. You sit down on the worn plastic booth seats and order your drinks from a perky waitress. As soon as she skips away you look Sam dead in the eye.

"How long have you been following me?" You ask cooly.

"What?" Sam asks 'innocently'.

"Sam, I came to Kansas to talk to Missouri. Did you really think she wouldn't know you've been on my tail?"

"Yeah, but I didn't think she'd  _tell_ you." He sighs. "Look, I'm sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were being safe. Which you definitely were _not_ , by the way."

"I'm aware." You say flatly.

"I just needed to make sure you were okay."

You're not sure what to say to that, so you shrug. "I'm fine, Sam."

"That's a lie. I saw all your breakdowns in the car. I get it, I know you miss them, but please don't lie to me and tell me you're fine." Sam says gently.

"Sam, you had  _no right_ to invade on my privacy like that." You opt for anger to avoid facing how broken you really are.

"I'm sorry. I just don't think I could stand to lose you too." He says quietly.

You see Sam's eyes brim with tears you know he won't shed and your heart goes out to him, your anger melting away. You know you shouldn't be so hard on him. He lost his best friend and his older brother just like you lost them. You reach over the table and rest your hand on top of his huge one, giving it a small squeeze. You open your mouth to speak only to find that you're at a loss for words again. The waitress comes back with your drinks and you release Sam's hand. You order your food and try to figure out where to go from here.

. . . . . . 

June 22, 2012

You follow behind Sam in the Impala as he drives along a tree-lined path up to Bobby's old cabin. You pull up alongside the old wooden structure, grabbing your duffel bag and following Sam to the door. He unlocks it and ushers you inside as he flicks on all the lights. Looking around, you can see signs of Bobby Singer everywhere, from the piles of old books to the papers taped to walls and doors with the old man's scribbles and symbols written on them. You run your hands over the furniture and smile a little, remembering Bobby.

"This should be okay for us to stay in. There's two bedrooms and bathrooms upstairs." Sam explains as he begins putting the groceries away.

You nod and carry your bag up the creaking stairs to pick your room. The bedrooms are about the same size, both complete with a twin bed, a dresser, and a desk. Sam comes up the stairs behind you and points to the room on the left.

"When Dean and I stayed here with Bobby one summer as teenagers, that was Dean's room, so you should take that one. I'd like to stay in my old room, anyways."

"Thank you, Sammy." You offer a sad smile before entering the room and setting your bag on the desk.

You run your hands over the plaid bedspread and then open the closet. It's full of books and sheets of paper, but something catches your eye on a shelf in the corner. You get up on your tip-toes and stretch your arms to reach for it. What you pull down is a small wooden box with  _D.W_ carved into the top. Dean. You take it over to the bed and open it in a hurry, eager to see what's inside. On top there's a picture of two teenagers, presumably Sam and Dean. Sam had shaggy hair and apparently hadn't hit his growth spurt yet. Dean had hair spiked up and was wearing his dad's leather jacket, not quite muscular enough to fill it out yet. Next there was a picture of the boys' mom, Mary, sitting next to a grinning John Winchester. You never got to meet John but you've heard many stories about him. At the bottom of the box are odd figurines and knick-knacks Dean must have collected during his childhood. You gingerly place everything back in the box and put it back where you found it, happy to have seen that little piece of Dean.

. . 

You and Sam eat dinner and then you ask him to tell you stories about the time he and Dean spent here with Bobby. Sam tells you stories that have you doubled over in laughter, and then some that make you emotional. By the time you decide it's time for bed, you don't feel ashamed or embarrassed that your eyes have filled with tears because Sam's have done the same. You say goodnight in the hall upstairs and then crawl into bed, satisfied that your boyfriend once called this bed his own.

. . . . 

**_"This is bad."_ **

**_"You said that already."_ **

**_"It seemed worth repeating."_ **

**_You give Dean a look and he shrugs. You had been using Sam's laptop for a case while he was out interviewing the victims' families, when Dean started screwing around and bugging you. Now Sam's laptop is on the floor with a smashed screen and a few of the keys missing._ **

**_"You know this is your fault, right?" You say as you punch Dean's arm._ **

**_"I'm not the one who flung it off the table. Just saying."_ **

**_"I only 'flung' it off the table because you wouldn't stop pestering me." You reprimand._ **

**_"Alright, alright. I'm sorry. But there's nothing we can do about it now." Dean says calmly._ **

**_"He's gonna be SO pissed." You say nervously._ **

**_"Probably." Dean shrugs. "I'll just put the blame on you."_ **

**_"Ugh, you're annoying." You push Dean's chest_ ** **_lightly._ **

**_"But you loooove me." He teases with a grin._ **

**_"I do love you." You blurt. You've never said that before._ **

**_"Me too." He says seriously, kissing your cheek._ **

**_You turn your head so your lips are on his and you both smile into the kiss._ **

...

__Your eyes pop open and see nothing in the dark room. It takes you a moment to realize where you are and that you were just dreaming. You grab the spare pillow beside you and squeeze it, pretending it's Dean sleeping next to you again.


	4. Chapter 4

August 18, 2012

The whole 'no hunting' thing didn't really work out for you and Sam, so you've been looking for somewhat local cases and living in the cabin. You work well together just like you always have, fixing each other up and talking about old memories over dinner. You play cards a lot and drink together some of the time. You try to keep each other somewhat happy and remember the good times with everyone you've lost, which is getting just a little easier every day. You've been dreaming about Dean every night without fail, and sometimes about Cas, too. None of them seem to be your imagination, they're all accurate and vivid memories of your time with the Winchesters and Cas. It's like your brain wants to remind you of the life you had with them. You're not sure if the dreams are helping you cope or making it worse but you do know that you don't want them to stop. 

Today Sam opened up the trunk of the car he'd been driving around and found Dean's duffel bag, which he'd completely forgotten about. He takes his brothers flask and his knife as keepsakes and then tosses the bag over to you. You take it up to your room and change into one of his t-shirts, inhaling deeply. You never thought you'd be able to smell Dean ever again, but now here he is with you in the four tees and three plaids he left in his bag. You zip the worn duffel closed, hoping to preserve the smell of the clothes. You curl into bed and press the black t-shirt to your nose, falling asleep to the scent of your boyfriend.

. . . . 

**_"Dude, you're so wrong! That's not even how it happened!" Sam shouts._ **

**_"Whatever, man! That is so how it happened!" Dean argues._ **

**_"No! Remember..."_ **

**_And that's when you zone out and look at Cas sitting beside you. You and the angel are in the back of the Impala while Sam and Dean argue in the front. Dean is driving back to the motel from dinner and he and Sam started talking about some memory that they recall very differently, which of course caused a brotherly dispute._ **

**_"I was there when it happened and I can tell you that both of them are remembering it incorrectly." Cas whispers to you._ **

**_You giggle. "They'll figure it out eventually."_ **

**_You and Castiel both stare at the boys fondly. Dean's eye catches yours in the rearview._ **

**_"Babe! Tell Sam he's full of shit!"_ **

**_"I wasn't there. For all I know, you're both probably full of shit." You smirk._ **

**_Dean sticks his tongue out playfully at you and returns to yelling at his brother. You toss a wink at Cas and he grins._ **

. . 

You wake with a smile before drifting back to sleep, your expression falling as a new dream takes place.

. . .

_**"We ready?" Sam asks everyone.** _

_**You all nod. You're about to go fight Dick Roman, and you can feel the tension in the air.** _

_**"Can Y/N and I have a** _ **_minute?" Dean asks Sam and Cas._ **

**_"We'll be in the car." Sam says before he and Castiel leave._ **

**_Dean opens his mouth to speak but you wave him off. "No, no. We're not doing this, we're not doing the goodbye speech."_ **

**_Dean grabs your hands and looks into your eyes. "Just let me do this."_ **

**_You can't look away from his green stare and you can feel your face softening. You give him a little nod, signalling for him to go ahead._ **

**_"If we don't make it out of this I just want you to know how happy you've made me, that's all." Dean smiles._ **

**_"Me too." You whisper._ **

**_"And if we do make it out of this, I'm gonna marry you." He says confidently._ **

**_Your mouth pops open and you can't seem to close it. Marry you? Surely he's joking. But his expression doesn't waver. Holy shit._ **

**_You and Dean almost never say 'I love you'. It's just not the kind of people you are, but now seems as good a time as any._ **

**_"I love you, Dean Winchester."_ **

**_"I love you, too."_ **

**_You share a desperate kiss before Dean clears his throat and says "Let's do this."_ **

**_You take his hand and walk out the door to face your possible death._ **

. . . . . . . .

October 26, 2012

You hear ringing from somewhere in the car and Sam opens the glove box. He checks all his dad's old phones, most of them dead or out of service, and then pulls out Dean's spare. 

"Hello?" He answers, putting it on speaker.

"Dean?" A man's voice cuts through.

"No, this is Sam."

"Dean's brother?"

"Uh, yeah. Who's this?" Sam asks.

"Name's Lucas. Listen, I need to talk to Dean so can you put him on?"

Sam's face falls a little. "Dean is...he's not around anymore."

There's a pause on the other end, then "What got him?"

"A Leviathan."

"Ah, shit. Poor son of a bitch."

"He went out fighting. Y'know, saved the world and all that." Sam says.

"He's Dean Winchester, of course he did." The man agrees.

"So is there somethin' you need, Lucas?" Sam asks.

"Yeah. Can you meet me in Jackson?"

"Minnesota? Yeah, that's only a couple hours away."

"Great. Call me when you get here and I'll tell you where to go." Lucas says curtly.

"Wait, wait. What do you need help with?"

"You'll see. Hurry, Sam, I need back-up on this one." Click.

Sam puts the phone away and looks at you. "Weird dude."

You nod in agreement. "Let's head to Jackson, then. Sorry Sammy, guess we're not going out for breakfast."

. . . 

You meet Lucas in a park somewhere in Jackson. He didn't even bother with introductions. He looks about your age, a little older than Sam but younger than Dean. He's decently tall and somewhat lean, with blonde hair. He doesn't beat around the bush and he gets right to the point of what he's saying. You think you'll get along with him just fine.

"So how did you know Dean?" You ask after him and Sam finish talking about the car. 

"He saved my life a couple years back." Lucas says.

You nod. "So what are we dealing with here?"

"My family." 

"What?" You and Sam ask at the same time.

Lucas takes a deep breath and then tells you and Sam about when he first met Dean. You, Sam, and Cas had been on a vamp case and Dean was on his way to you when he came across Lucas. Dean had him pegged as a hunter right away and then they got to talking. Lucas was looking for a Djinn who had taken his mom, brother, and sister. Dean agreed to help him out and, long story short, they killed the monster but it was too late. Lucas's family was dead.

"I...I wasn't ready to salt and burn 'em, just in case. But now they're back and they've turned vengeful. I burned their bodies but they're still holding on and I can't figure out what's keeping them here. I'm just too close to this...I need someone to finish it for me." His voice breaks.

"I'm sorry to hear about your family." Sam says sincerely.

Lucas smiles sadly and claps him on the shoulder. "Thanks."

"We'll take care of it as quickly as we can." You say, squeezing his shoulder reassuringly.

"Thanks. I don't think I can see them like this much longer."

Sam shakes Lucas's hand and heads to the car, but Lucas lightly grabs your arm as you turn away to follow.

"You must be the girl Dean was talking to me about. Y/N, right?"

"Um, yep that's me." You answer, surprised that Dean had mentioned you.

"He really loved you, I could tell." Lucas says lightly. "You and Sam meant the world to him."

You wipe away a single stray tear and hug the man in front of you. He hugs you back and then you turn away, telling him you guys will call when you've figured something out.

. . . 

October 27, 2012

You and Sam drive to the house that Lucas and his siblings grew up in and take a look around. There are tons of keepsakes and things the spirits could be tethered to, and you have no idea how to narrow it down. While Sam goes upstairs to look around, you look at some photographs sitting on the mantle of the fireplace. His brother and sister couldn't have been more than fifteen. You close your eyes and take a moment to mourn the loss of these children you never knew. You hear a tiny moan from behind you and spin around, meeting the terrified eyes of Lucas's little sister.

"Help me, please. Where's Lucas?" She says frantically.

"It's okay, honey. I'm here to help you. I'm here to give you peace." You say gently.

"I can't- I can't stop it."

"You can't stop what?" You ask, just as her face changes to one of anger.

She flings herself at you with a scream. You look around for something iron as you feel a prick in your skin, then it feels like your blood is being drained out of you. You fall to the ground as the girl stands beside you with a menacing look. You're getting drowsy as your hands fumble around the fireplace. You grab a fire poker and muster up enough strength to swing it at her. The ghost dissipates and you breathe quickly. Sam comes running down and kneels beside you.

"I'm fine, I'm fine." You wave him off as you sit up.

"What happened?"

"Jack's sister. But Sam, it was so sad. I think she's trying to control it, but she can't." You say between deep breaths. "And I felt like...like I was bleeding out, but there's no blood. I was so drowsy."

"That must be how she felt..when the Djinn got her." Sam explains sadly. "Let's get outta here before she comes back. We need to talk to Lucas and see if there's any keepsakes he might have forgotten about." 

When you get into the car a figure appears beside Sam's window and bangs on it. It's Jack's mother.

"She..she left the house. Spirits almost never do that." You say.

Sam grabs some salt from the glove box and tosses some out the window so the ghost disappears.

"Let's get the hell out of here until we figure this out." Sam says.

You call Lucas on the way and ask him to meet up with you at your motel.

. . .

"Let's just burn everything in the house. Burn the house down if we have to. My family loved that house, so for all I know that's what could be keeping them here." Lucas suggests.

"I don't think we should burn the whole house. That'll attract attention." Sam explains.

"Guys, I need my family to be put to rest. This is killing me." Lucas says desperately.

"Okay. Let's burn it down." You say firmly.

Sam takes some convincing but he eventually comes around. You gather a bunch of salt, some matches, and some gasoline and then drive up to the old house. Luckily it's set far enough from the road with enough trees in front to avoid too much attention right away. The three of you run in and pour salt everywhere in the house, and then the gasoline. No signs of any spirits as you all exit the structure. Lucas insists on being the one to light the house on fire, so you and Sam step away while he ignites a match. Lucas throws the match through the front door and you watch it catch on the gas. You pull Lucas back from standing too close as his brother, mother, and sister appear in the doorway, then begin to burn up. The spirits look...relieved, they look free. Lucas let's his tears fall as he follows you back to the car and watches out the back window as you drive away from his childhood.

. . . 

"You sure you're gonna be okay?" Sam asks as Lucas gets settled into his motel room. 

"I will be eventually." He waves his hand, but you see the sadness in his eyes.

You hear the distant wail of sirens and assume that they're going to Lucas' old home to put out the fire. They'll say it was arson and probably spend a long time looking for the person who did it, waiting for them to strike again, but they'll never find out. 

"You'll call if you need us?" Sam asks, giving the man a serious look. He nods.

Sam shakes his hand and they do that manly pat-on-the-back hug before Sam leaves the room to start the car.

"Thanks for your help." Lucas says to you gratefully.

"No problem." You turn for the door but don't leave yet, turning halfway to look at him. "Hey, Lucas?"

He looks up from his backpack on the bed. "Yeah?"

"If you need  _anything,_ please call. This isn't going to be easy for you to deal with and I just want you to know that Sam and I understand what you're going through and we're here for you if you need it."

"You know, Dean said almost the exact same thing to me when he helped me out the first time. That's why I called his phone when I needed help the other day. And for the record, Sam and Dean are lucky to have you around. You're one of the good ones." Lucas says meaningfully.

You toss him a crooked smile and leave, closing the door behind you. Not Sam  _and_ Dean. It's just Sam now.

. . . 

"You're quiet." Sam observes after dinner the next night.

You shrug in response.

"What's on your mind?" He asks.

"When are bad things gonna stop happening to good people? Isn't there supposed to be a God out there? He sure as shit hasn't helped anyone I've ever heard of. Why is it that monsters get to walk free while decent people have to be killed off? When will it stop, Sam?"

Sam is quiet for a minute before he answers. "I don't know. I wish I had the answers, Y/N, but I don't."

"Apparently nobody has the answers. We're just supposed to accept that the world is shitty." You say bitterly.

Sam pulls you in for a comforting hug, but you don't feel comfort. You feel nothing. 


	5. Chapter 5

November 18, 2012

It's been six months since you lost Dean and Cas. It feels like it's been and eternity, yet it also seems it happened just yesterday. It's still difficult to be without them but it's getting easier. You feel like you're betraying them every time you smile or laugh, like you're supposed to be sad all the time. Sam tells you that's not what they would think, and you know he's right, but you still feel bad. You've slowly been feeling a bit better over the last couple of months. You went through a really dark period about three months ago where you weren't able to feel much of anything. You couldn't handle your emotions so you pushed it all down and walked around like a zombie. Sam patiently coaxed you out of it and now you're starting to feel like yourself again. You can't say that it's good or bad right now, just...different.

Sam seems to be having a hard time today, so you've been trying to comfort him and make him laugh. You think all the loss is catching up to him and he's been too busy taking care of you to grieve properly. Now it's your turn to take care of him.

. . . . 

You wake with a jolt when you hear Sam scream from his room. You jump out of the comfort of your bed and hurry to his bedside. 

"Sammy, are you okay?" You whisper.

"Yeah. Sorry, I had a nightmare I guess." He rasps.

You turn on his lamp and see that he's covered in a sheen of sweat. You pad to his bathroom and run a cloth under cold water, wringing it out before bringing it to him and placing it on his forehead.

"Thanks."

"No problem. What were you dreaming about?" You ask as you sit cross-legged at the end of his bed.

"Cas and Dean. They were dead..there was just blood everywhere..I can't really remember." Sam says, looking distraught.

"Hey, I'll stay up with you and tell you some of my favourite memories with them. If you want." You offer.

"Y/N, that's okay. I'll be fine."

"Sam, please. Let me do this for you."

"Alright." Sam concedes, sitting up and leaning against the headboard. "Go ahead."

You think for a few minutes before choosing a memory and launching into it, seeing it clearly in your head.

**-**

**"He looks ridiculous!" Dean exclaimed.**

**"Oh, what do you know?! He looks handsome." You argued, looking Cas over.**

**Cas happened to have a date that night, so you and Dean had taken him shopping for a new outfit. You'd picked out some dark jeans, a button-up, a tie, and a nice** **jacket.**

**"He looks too...formal. How about we lose the tie?" Dean suggested.**

**"Fine." You said.**

**Castiel took off the tie and Dean undid two of the top buttons on the shirt.**

**"Much better." Dean said, giving Cas a thumbs up and smoothing the angel's hair down.**

**"Alright, I agree. That looks good." You admitted. "Except for his hair...It's too neat, we need to mess it back up like he usually has it. Trust me, it's much sexier that way." You said as you reached up and tousled Castiel's hair.**

**"Sexy..oh, really?" Dean said with a raise of his eyebrows.**

**"Yes, Dean. Cas is hot. It's a fact." You grinned.**

**Castiel turned and looked in the mirror. "I like it." He smiled.**

**\--**

**Dean pulled up in front of a cute white house and you both looked at Cas.**

**"Make sure you ask her lots of questions." Dean said.**

**"And be a gentleman." You said.**

**"Always act interested, even if you're not."**

**"Don't do that thing where you just..like, stare. We're used to it but she won't be. It might freak her out."**

**"Also, don't be so brutally honest like you normally are. Remember that time with the stripper? We don't need a repeat of that."**

**Cas looked between you and Dean, taking in all the information.**

**"Go get 'em, tiger." You and Dean said simultaneously.**

**Castiel  gave a small smile and then got out of the car, nervously walking up to the door. A pretty woman answered and laughed at something Cas said.**

**"He's gonna be okay." Dean smiled at you.**

**You kissed his cheek. "We did good."**

**-**

Sam is smiling by the time you finish.

"The poor guy was so nervous. It was so sweet." You say fondly.

"I remember when he came home from that date." Sam says. "He was so proud that he did well."

"Oh, he did well all right. He got laid!" You recall.

"What?! I didn't know that!" Sam grins.

"Yeah! He called Dean from the bathroom, asking what he should do."

Sam laughs out loud and you join him.

"Alright, what else have you got?" Sam asks.

You think for a moment. "Hmm..remember that time you walked in on me and Dean when we were-"

"I remember! Let's not relive that." Sam interrupts you.

You grin cheekily. "Why not? The look on your face was hilarious."

Sam reaches over and punches your arm playfully. "That was something I could have gone my whole life without seeing."

"Come on, Sam. It's a natural act." You smirk.

Sam makes a face and shudders. "Moving on. What else have you got?"

And so you stay up for hours reminiscing with Sam until you both fall asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

March 18, 2013

"I can't believe it's been ten months. That's almost a year." You muse.

"I know! It's crazy." Sam agrees.

It's been ten months since Dean and Cas disappeared. Your last breakdown had been at least three months ago, when the last shirt from Dean's duffel had finally lost it's scent. That had brought you to tears, which Sam tried to help you through. You'd sobbed against his shoulder for a good hour before you were able to pull yourself together. You hated that you couldn't keep your tears in sometimes, but Sam never made you feel bad about it.

Currently you're digging up a grave to get rid of a spirit. It's raining, so you and Sam are sopping wet and covered in mud. You finish the job and make the short drive back home. You leave your muddy boots on the porch outside the cabin and both of you decide to strip your clothes off so you're not dripping all through the house on the way to the showers. So here you are in your bra and underwear, Sam in his boxers. You've seen Sam like this many times before, but today you can't seem to pull your eyes away from his muscled body. He clears his throat with a grin and you hustle to your bathroom to shower, not meeting his eyes.

. . . 

Once you're clean, dry, and in your pyjamas you settle in with Sam on the couch to watch a movie. You guys had dug out and old television from the basement and purchased a DVD player a few months ago, so you've been slowly building up your movie collection ever since. 

. 

Once the movie is over you sit up and look at Sam seriously.

"I don't know how I would have survived this without you, Sam. Even before Dean and Cas were gone, you were always there for me, so thank you. I'm lucky to have had you around to help me move on over these last few months." You say sincerely.

"That's what friends are for. And, for the record, you've helped me a lot too. So thank  _you._ " Sam smiles sweetly.

You yawn and stretch. "Well, I better get to bed before I fall asleep on the couch." 

"For the third time this week." Sam smirks.

You stick your tongue out at him. He follows behind you up the stairs and you pause in the hall to hug him.

"G'night, Sammy."

"Night, Y/N." He smiles at you with kind eyes.

You look into his hazel eyes as his face moves closer to yours and suddenly your lips meet. Your eyes widen in surprise before they slide shut as you stand on your tip-toes and return the kiss. Sam's hand cups your jaw and you push away from him, holding a hand up to your mouth.

"That's not....we can't do that!" You exclaim.

"Y/N..."

"What about Dean? I can't do that to him!" You say.

"I know, I'm sorry. I don't want to do that to him either." Sam says.

"Good. Let's just pretend that never happened. Goodnight, Sam." You say as you spin on your heel and march into your room.

You hear Sam's door close a moment later and you sag against the wall. What the  _hell_ was that? You absolutely can't get with someone else, especially not Dean's friggin' brother! You don't even like Sam that way. Or do you? No. Nope. Do you?

You're not sure what's going on exactly, but your feet are carrying you down the short hallway to Sam's door. You raise your fist to knock just as the door swings open and Sam jumps, probably not expecting you to be right there. You pull his lips down to yours and kiss him hard. Sam holds you close and pulls you into his room. You land on the bed and tear at his clothes, then your own. You feel guilt springing up in your chest but as Sam moves his lips down your neck all you feel is his mouth on your naked body and you want it so bad. 

. . . 

You cuddle closer to the firm body behind you and hold the hand that rests under your breasts. Then the haze of sleep clears and you remember who that body belongs to. Sam. Not Dean. You fling his arm off and jump off the bed, searching for your clothes.

Sam mumbles into the pillow and then stirs, while you try to ignore how cute it is. "Y/N, what are you doing?" He grumbles. 

"Finding my clothes! Sam, get up! This is serious."

Sam sits up and your eyes rake over his chiseled chest and torso, all the way down to the sheet covering his impressive-

You tear your eyes away. "We had sex, Sam! How could we do that? What kind of people are we?" 

"I know, I know. I feel terrible." He agrees.

You can't believe you did that. What a way to shit on Dean's memory. Although, part of you feels like Dean would rather you get with his brother than some stranger. Then you feel extra bad because part of you is okay with what happened between you and Sam. You sit on the edge of the bed and lay your head in your hands.

"Oh god. What are we gonna do?" 

Sam slides over and gingerly puts and arm around your shoulders. "Hey, hey. It's okay." He soothes.

You bury your head into his side and cry a few frustrated tears. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the last chapter of Part 1! If you guys have any requests for part 2, don't hesitate to comment them! I haven't really started writing part two yet, so there's lots of room for changes in my plan.

April 12, 2013

You sit up in bed and rub your eyes, pulling on one of Sam's t-shirts from the floor. You go to the kitchen to make coffee, which Sam must smell because he comes down the stairs and heads straight for the machine. He grabs a cup of coffee and joins you on the couch.

"Morning." He mumbles, lifting his arm.

You snuggle closer and lean against his side as his arm settles around your shoulders. You both finish your coffees and then go to take showers.

As the water cascades over your head, you think about all that's happened since that first night with Sam just under a month ago. You both wrestled with guilt for being together and it was really hard for a while, but Dean and Cas wanted you to move on. As much as it pains you, you have to do it. It's not looking like Dean and Cas are coming back, so it's time to start living your life again. It makes you a little sad, and you just hope it's the right thing to do.

. . . 

April 20, 2013

"Can you pass me that?" Sam says, looking up from under the hood of the car and pointing to one of the grease-covered tools a few feet away from him. You pass it to him and he leans in for a kiss.

"No way. You've got grease all over your face." You say as you back away.

Sam gets a funny look on his face. "I've seen you covered in blood and whatever else, but you're afraid of a little grease?"

You shrug innocently.

Sam lunges at you and rubs his face all over yours, effectively covering you in the black oily substance. He pulls away with a grin and quickly finishes up with the Impala.

"Let's get cleaned up." He says when he's done.

"Good idea. But let me grab you some water first. You've been working so hard out here." You say, somewhat sarcastically, as you disappear around the side of the cabin.

"Aw, thanks." Sam shouts.

You come around with the hose and spray Sam with it before he has any time to move.

"Holy shit that's cold!" He shouts in a high-pitched voice as he tries to move out of the spray.

You're so busy laughing that you don't notice him getting closer. He snatches the hose from you and aims it at you. That water  _is_ cold, holy crap. You trip and both of you land in the water that's now pooling in the grass. You're giggling and Sam is chuckling as he places a kiss into your hair.

It feels good to be having fun after the rough year you've both been through so far.

. . . . . . .

May 18, 2013

You lay on the couch with your head in Sam's lap as he presses play on the first Harry Potter movie. You guys have decided to have a HP marathon tonight and do some drinking. Today marks it a year since Dean and Cas died and you're drinking whiskey in their memory.

"To Dean and Cas." You say, raising your glass.

Sam clinks his glass with yours. "To Dean and Cas."

He leans down for a kiss and you accept it willingly. You set your glass on the coffee table and sit on his lap, pulling his lips to yours again. You run your fingers through his soft hair and his hands rest on your hips. You pull away from the kiss to lean your forehead against his and look into his eyes. A knock sounds at the door and you try to get up but Sam holds you in place. He peppers your face with kisses and then releases you with a smile.

"Pizza guy got here quick." You say as you make your way to the door.

"I'm just going to the bathroom. My wallet's on the table by the door." Sam calls.

You open the door and your jaw drops. Your legs start to shake and then give out. You're caught by strong arms before you hit the floor. You stand up and look into green eyes. 

"Dean?" You marvel.

"Hi." Dean Winchester says with a grin. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus ends part one. What do you guys think about you and Sam together? I'm very much a Dean girl, but I'm Sam-curious, so we'll see where this goes.  
> Part two is soon to come! As always, kudos and comments are greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading! xoxo


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